Every hammock story is a love story.

About the love of hammocks.

There may be other loves as well—the Ancient Greeks and others went into non-Hammock Reviewed (and thus unverified, unscientific) detail about that—but the love of hammocks is obviously the primary one.

The best one.

The one love that never lets you down—until you let yourself out of the hammock.

The one love that never hurts—until you fall drunkenly out of a hammock.

And even when that happens, hammock love is the one love that hurts so good.

Because Hammock Love is the one love that’s about getting together and feeling all right.

And so when you’re in Hammock Love even some painful things like pain quickly transform into pleasurable good things like pleasure and feeling good.

Playa Avellana is no exception to these lovely qualities of Hammock Love.

Which is no surprise: not only because it is in the prime location of being safely situated in the heart of The Hammock Belt, but also because its name, Avellana (Hazelnut), summons significant solvent symbolism from the great literary love stories of old, like Romeo & Juliet where Queen Mab’s carriage is aptly described as an empty hazelnut shell carrying empty dreams.

Oh, how so true that is! If Playa Avellana were absent of a hammock, would it not be the same? Such a gorgeous beach tempting us in like two squirrels preparing for a romantic dinner only to find their hazelnuts empty once they crack open the shells, causing one squirrel to leave the other for another lover with less-empty nuts; with all of this eventually leading to a lifetime of regret and sorrow for both original squirrels as it actually turned out* that it was the first two squirrels** who were meant to be soulmates?

When considering Romeo & Juliet side-by-side with those squirrely squirrel lovebirds*** from above, one would be hard-pressed to see much of a difference. This timelessness of Shakespeare is why his works continue to be studied to this day and likely will continue to be studied as we move forward towards The Beautiful Hammock Future, where we will continue to integrate references and remnants from the great literature of old, like Shakespeare, into the great literature of new, like Hammock Reviews.

And so we continue to respect our elders as we inch closer to such an idyllic, momentous literary epoch, The Hammock Era; but we also need to continue evolving and advancing beyond what we must admit was some ignorance**** in Shakespeare’s time when hazelnuts were used in parts of England to battle rheumatism.

We all would agree that science and society have already advanced greatly since then as we no longer squirrel around with such nutty science-less senselessness; and so now we use hammocks as our primary weapon in the war against rheumatism (citation: Avellana, Playa); and such healthy developments should only advance more in The Beautiful Hammock Future where the increase of hammocks, mixed with the magically rich wonder of fantasy (citation: new worth Rowling, J.K.), will eradicate rheumatism once and for all.

This is in fact why kids go to school and why education is a good thing. This is why we have them study science and Shakespeare; this is why English teachers especially may enjoy this Review not only for its own inherent literary value, but also to justify to students the real-world benefits of reading Shakespeare, something that has been consistently been a big challenge for educators prior to the publication of this particular unrivaled Review.

The lessons are plainly plentiful.

Shakespeare so well demonstrates how literature can be a vehicle for our imagination to expand our horizons beyond what we can physically see from the location our smartphones currently tell us we are, for while England may be geographically-challenged in terms of being well outside of The Hammock Belt, Shakespeare was well ahead of his time in creating this masterpiece of a play that perfectly portrays the tangled emotions inherently interwoven in Unrequited (Hammock) Love and how it can feel to be so close to the love of your (hammock) life, yet feel so far away because you are not being permitted to consummate that love. And in laying out, with the grace of an experienced hammock model lying in a hammock, this terrific tale with a carefully-crafted story arc, Shakespeare uses masterful language filled to the brim with poetic devices and the immortal characters of Romeo and Juliet to metaphorically and delicately describe a beautiful beach without a hammock.

Quite a mighty and nutty metaphor no school-brained scholars was able to uncrack—until just now.

When we just did it.

Call us a moderner-day Matt Damon if you want for solving Shakespeare’s Last Theorem, but to be quite frank: it is both the alpha and the omega when you find the riddle and solve it. So it would be more accurate to call us a mixture of the great imaginative and adventurous explorers of old, like Robert Peary, mixed with the great (or at least kinda decent) actors of equation-solving of new, like Matt Damon.

And if Bobby Kennedy were reading this previous paragraph from a hammock up in heaven, he would surely be saying, “Where some men see a fucked-up farrago filled by weird references and say ‘why?’, I see a heightened, high-end hybrid of genius, and say, ‘why not?’”

Good point, Bobby. And please, dear respectful reader, don’t argue with dead, assassinated people: it’s not respectful or becoming of you.

What is becoming of you, dear reader, is your dashing good looks and daring great intellect in effortlessly exercising your mind to readily realize the integral import of the fact that in our unearthing and subsequent solving of Shakespeare Last Theorem that finally, a half of a millennium after his death, Shakespeare is getting the credit he desperately deserves as his genius is at last realized here in this revolutionary (non-violently so) Review.

So next time you go on a vacation to a beautiful beach and your friends ask how it was, instead of answering with the antiquated words old of: either show them a picture of your happy self in a hammock having the (relaxation) time of your life or give them a copy of Romeo & Juliet—or just send them a link to a free an audiobook version they can fall asleep to and get the drift just as well: your vacation was boring without a hammock, time to go back to the drawing board and dream up a vacation with a hammock. #ToShowIsBetterThanToTell

To be clear, the picture with the hammock means thumbs up on the vacation and the copy of Romeo & Juliet means thumbs down; it is a better system than the thumbs though because no one wants to see pictures of your thumbs after you went on a vacation to a beautiful beach.

Since we now know that Shakespeare did in fact metaphorically write about a beach without a hammock, when we add that to the other stuff he wrote about love, politics, and power dynamics, it seems like may he did detail every experience can encounter in life.

Or at least got close.

At least closer than some other authors, like Lewis Carroll, who shopped at a questionable, now-defunct looking-glass store.

But certain parts of the human condition, of the human experience are actually missing from Shakespeare. Yes, even after we have now solved his Last Theorem.

For absent among his many plays and sonnets, upon his many descriptions and designs, is a beach without a hazelnut. That it is a task Shakespeare never tackled.

For it is only here, in the new great literature of Hammock Reviews, that we courageously have dared to endeavor in attempting to describe a beach named after the hazelnut, where we did not see one. We will not say that Shakespeare was not a coward for never taking on such an endeavor, but rather that he probably planned to but such work never got started because may he started suffering from unreported rheumatism**** that was never properly treated.

That is why we study medicine. So great minds can continue to do great work.

What other works would Shakespeare been able to accomplish with the benefits of a healthy body and mind extended by the benefits of modern (hammock) medicine?

We will share with you what we discovered from our research using the Freedom of Imaginative Information Act (FOIIA).

It is likely that before unreported rheumatism slowed Shakespeare that he was preparing to write the greatest character of all-time:

Bonsai Bobby.

But of course we know Bonsai Bobby is more than that, more than just the greatest character of all time. He is the greatest protagonist of all-time, the greatest hero of all-time, the greatest man(nequin) of all time, with the greatest abs of all time.

To continue to (attempt to) describe Bonsai Bobby here would be a disservice to both him and the English language, for we must admit that we lack the sufficient English writing skills to accurately articulate his greatness, the greatness of his abs, and what he means to humankind. And as you see here, we are no slouch with words—we are only slouches with hammocks, which is how one’s relationship with hammocks should be.

So if you consider our heightened way with words still amount to nothing more than a contemporary-styled, Tower of Babel amounting to nothing more than an oversized ego if we continue its modern-architectured construction, then it is easy to understand why so few (lesser word writers) have decided to scribble any words about Bonsai Bobby and so little has been written about him over the years.

But why the delay for the greatest wordsmith of them all, William Shakespeare?

There are several viable theories (and many other unviable theories).

Let’s look at the first theory first:

Theory #1 of Why Shakespeare Failed to Write About Bonsai Bobby

We would normally not wish rheumatism on anyone, but we surely now know (citation: Theory #1 of Why Shakespeare Failed to Write About Bonsai Bobby) the reason Shakespeare did not write about Bonsai Bobby is because he did have unreported rheumatism for the only alternative is him being a coward, which we cannot bear to believe. So henceforth here we should think of Shakespeare as one who would have embarked upon writing about Bonsai Bobby, with many classic plays featuring him, and also writing great Hammock Literature had he not suffered from unreported rheumatism, and been treated by quack doctors trying to solve the problem with hazelnuts, only getting in the way like the celebrity-hanger-on doctors detailed by Mario Puzo so many centuries later. We should start internet rumors and conspiracy theories promoting this as we evolve beyond the limitations of truth. #CivicDuty

Naturally, this above paragraph easily intertwines with the reasonable reasons above of why Shakespeare never got around to writing about the beach without a hazelnut. It all has goes back to the unreported rheumatism. But it goes beyond that really, for at some point Shakespeare, in his genius, realized that rheumatism could not be cured by hazelnuts, and so bitterness sunk in and purposely chose to exclude writing about a beach without hazelnuts in his works, for he in fact cursed, like the great curses in history such as the Babe cursing the Red Sox to never win another world series (or at least not for a very long time), hazelnuts to have very limited vacation time on beaches and that is why to this day you find more sand on beaches than hazelnuts.

Theory #2 of Why Shakespeare Failed to Write About Bonsai Bobby

We can logically conclude (or more accurately imagine—through the information we have obtained through the Freedom of Imaginative Information Act (FOIIA)) that Shakespeare was using those earlier 191 (or 192, depending on our exact accounting of his play total) works as practice for perfectly preparing his greatest work of all time: Bonsai Bobby. #PracticeMakesPerfect

Theory #3 of Why Shakespeare Failed to Write About Bonsai Bobby

Romeo, who you may know from the famed Romeo & Juliet, was originally to have been Bonsai Bobby himself. But as Shakespeare was writing the play, it spun out of control because whereas Romeo only had one suitor—Juliet—Bonsai Bobby’s suitors came pouring out of the woodwork and flooding the story, like the great floods of old that required subsequent Arc construction in the days before other big boats other than arcs or flood insurance. Having not flood insurance or a big boat—nor access to a theatre big enough to house the crowds Bonsai Bobby would have attracted (citation: Bonsai Bobby internet fans)—Shakespeare decided to go with a less good-looking characters with lesser abs: Romeo. Shakespeare then filled his time doing inferior works, biding his time for the internet to be invented so all of Bonsai Bobby’s fans could be safely housed without them trampling over each other and young women fainting in public like the great classic movies of old or amplified versions of the great British Musical Invasions of Old. So as a man concerned with public safety and public health, and understanding that Shakespearian England could stand to improve in both regards as the hazelnuts weren’t doing a goddamn thing for his unreported rheumatism, Shakespeare decided to shelve all attempts at Bonsai Bobby until internet invention.

Of course Shakespeare died somewhat shortly before (in the century sense of shortly) the advent of the internet due to health complications that were probably expedited by unreported rheumatism preventing him from doing his normal workout routines of Zumba, Pilates, etc.

Of course it is a great stain on history that only half-of-a-millennium later have we learned who Bonsai Bobby is.

It is a lesson that we’ve headed here in Hammock Reviews as to not repeat history. So instead of embarking upon the endeavor of writing the almost 40 of the greatest plays of our era and many great sonnets, we have instead endeavored to write Hammock Reviews and present Bonsai Bobby to the world, even if we stumble along the way and do so in an imperfect fashion.

This is the greatest lesson we have learned from Shakespeare.

So finally now that the world is beginning to know Bonsai Bobby and we have begun to fulfill the Shakespeare prophecy just the the New Testament fulfilling the prophecies of old (in the Old Testament).

Oh, if human history were to be missing Romeo, it would be like a beach without a hazelnut: no one would give a fuck, so maybe that’s what Shakespeare was writing about after all; it’s all speculation at this point.

But what’s not speculation is that if human history were missing Bonsai Bobby, it would be like a beautiful beach without a hammock and people would care.

People do care.

We care.

And so there’s hope for the future, for the world now has Bonsai Bobby. Bonsai Bobby is not only a man(nequin): he is only symbolic of the hammock the world so desperately needs.

The hammock beaches so desperately need.

The beautiful hammock that beautiful beaches so desperately need.

And this beautiful beach has a beautiful hammock.